Today is the last day of my first year as an au pair. It’s been a crazy, wonderful ride and I can’t believe it’s already over. I’m also very glad that I made the decision to stay for another year because I can’t imagine not seeing the kids every day.
In my very first post on this blog, I joked about turning into a completely different person. And I wouldn’t say that happened, exactly. But I have changed a lot during these past ten months in England.
First of all, I’ve grown a lot more confident. I was never really insecure (sure, I was bullied at school – almost everyone is – and I don’t always like the way I look, but those are struggles that everyone has) but this past year, I’ve really started to embrace who I am. Which ties in to point number two: I’ve learned a lot more about who I am and what I can do. I’ve learned that it’s okay to care – even if it’s scary (and it’s really effing scary).
To my mum’s delight, my clothing style has also changed – or at least it has now that it’s actually summer. I wear dresses and cropped tops and things that show off my figure (suppose this is part of me getting more confident) instead of oversized jumpers and jeans. This might – and probably will – change again when it starts to get colder, but for now, I’m enjoying wearing more feminine things.
A lot of people seem to think that I have my life together. And I can kind of see why they would think that. I have a job with a semi-steady income, am almost done with my degree and I know where I want to live and am saving up for an apartment. I even bought a car a couple of months ago. And all those things sound great if you sum them up like that. But the thing is, I don’t know where I’m going with my life. I don’t like my job all that much. It’s better than other jobs because I get to do it from home, but it’s not my dream job. And I feel like I should know what it is that I want to do. Yes, I want to write, but is that realistic?
I’m young and still figuring my life out. I’m gaining confidence and getting a stronger sense of who I am every day. I have days where I feel completely unstoppable and days where I feel like I don’t want to leave the house. I still need to figure out what makes me feel unstoppable and that’s fine. I’m a mess. Everyone’s a mess. But that’s what makes life fun. We get to figure shit out as we go along.